In August 2018 I was in Budapest, with someone I love dearly. We broke up a while before then, and both went to Budapest not knowing if the other would come. We spent the days there mixing up the order of arguing, laughing, crying, and walking. Between the break up and this trip, Mac Miller released Swimming, an album looking at the dangers of staying too long inside your own head- also how beautiful life was and how beautiful it can still be- if you try. We both listened to this album, for similar and different reasons. For her it was like she was checking in on me, knowing I was listening to it, and for me, it was a sign that despite times being hard for me now, you're never alone and there's always hope.
When I saw my phone- saw that he died. When I told the person I love, we cried. And we had already cried that day, so it really messed with our order.
This young man, filled with so much genius, with an endless amount of potential, taken from the world so painfully soon. There were so many ways we felt that death.
In the months that passed, and as winter started covering it’s hands over my eyes, I started listening to all of Mac Millers stuff. Specifically his instrumental tapes. I listened to his first instrumental tape, Run on Sentences, over and over again. It reminded me of the end of summer, around September, It was around this time when I fell in love. I started writing about it and it eventually has led to this. A half hour of poetry over Mac Millers first ever beat tape. I made the first draft of it in like, a week. Spent about six months making tweaks, improvements, and wondered if it was even worth releasing.
I talk about it in the mixtape, but what I want to do is carry on the friendship and connection Mac Miller gave me in a trying time. To dedicate it to the inspiration and love he, and she, and everyone I've lost along the way have given me and made my life so special.
Hope you enjoy it x
Artwork by Sadie St Hilaire.
Sadie is one of the most talented and kind people I've ever met. I asked her if she could draw a cover for this and she said yes. She drew this. Follow her on instagram@Sadsthiland check out her comic book 'Moments' it's subtle, nuanced, touching and beautiful.