I wanted to find the starbucks I texted Zia at when I had the ring I'd propose to Desirae with. On January the 6th. It's January the 2nd and I'm at another one five minutes down the road from the one I wanted to be at. Couldn't see it. Walked an extra ten minutes. Thought that I could take stock of the year, figure out what I'm thinking. There's nothing active. It's just creeping and sinking. 

I want to write something beautiful, like a shout out. It's not working. 

Inward or outward. I wanted to be useful, kept running round, trying to do stuff- but then, there's nothing else you can do for anyone, you just have to live with yourself. Live with whatever thoughts and feelings have been crawling up your spine. 

I was in Zara with D and my back popped, ripped in half, almost collapsed on the floor. The fucking stress of it. it. If I put the words on top of "it" the letters would be crushed. "i" and "t" would be out of commission. They only had three weeks till retirement. We'd have to use small l's and turn our j's round for the rest of our days.

Got a problem with letting people know themes. People want to know what the theme is more than the story- at the moment, I'm watching shows, and there's no story- it's all... theme! And, it's, sad to watch artists so desperate to please the funders. No risk in it, just keeping those boxes ticked. it's frustrating, because there's a small group of people that are so fucking good. They're capable of doing their own HBO specials, of writing netflix dramas- it's like... People are being paid because they're poets, but not to make actual... art. You know what I mean? Shit. Who the fuck am I talking to?

All I can listen to right now is KPop. I can't deal with actual words. There's a positivity that's almost on unreal in this music, a kind of madness in to too. Mainly listening to Red Velvet. Can't believe that member of 5hinee left at the same time. The amount of death at this time of year is staggering.